First Day

Well I wrote this last week, after my first day, and for some reason it just didn't post. So here it is... my feelings after the first day of my senior year. So.. today was the first day of senior year. It was pretty interesting. Re-aquainting with old teachers, meeting new ones, jumping back into the same old routine. For weeks, this day has been a D-day of sorts... a time bomb just waiting to go off and throw me into a chaotic existence. However, so far, it hasn't been chaotic. New. Different. Somewhat exciting... but not chaotic. I can actually say that, after much prayer, I walked into school today with an open mind, ready to take on whatever might be waiting for me beyond those familiar doors. Because of that, I am actually very excited about this year. I have high hopes for my classes, and high hopes for myself this year. AP English looks to be fun, but today was only introductions... so I wouldn't quote FUN yet. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna breeze through computer (the fact that my teacher is a good friend helps keep me from panicking.) I'm hoping Bible class will be a very unique experience this year. I was expecting as much from these classes. There is one class however that kinda blew me away... in a good way. Speech. The teacher is very enthusiastic and she seems to have some really great (and increasingly different) ideas for our class. It's miraculous how much you can learn about a person from just one meeting. I find myself incredibly excited about this class, and that's a very big deal considering the idea of speaking in front of people is the most terrifying thing I can think of. The rest of my classes are pretty much standard... Pre-Cal is intimidating, Government is well... government... and choir....... well I'm not sure what to think about that one yet... we didn't go very far into things today so who knows what to expect. Well that was pretty much all I had to say. Nothing very life-changing... just some hopes for the first day. Wow... first day of my senior year! I can't believe it's already here. Well anyways, since that's pretty much all this was about... I bid you ado. =D

Injuries and Revelations

For the past 4 years, something has always happened to me. I can no longer keep track of when everything happened in my medical history. However, for the past 2 years, when something has happened, it's caused me to stop. The week I broke my leg, I hadn't stopped moving for days. I had barely stopped long enough to eat. Everything else was more important. Several months later, I got a GIANT splinter (about 3 inches long and 1 and 1/2 cm in diameter) lodged in my foot. Ordinarily a splinter wouldn't be that big of a deal, but this had to be cut out (a process which took an hour and a lot of numbing medication). This splinter occurred during a time when i was physically not doing too much, but mentally, my mind was racing. Every waking moment of my life was consumed with worry, fear, and anxiety. The power had been cut off at my house for a week, and I knew the next thing to go was the house itself. I was staying with my aunt for the time-being and I felt like I was nothing but a huge imposition. My mind raced on and on, far ahead of me, and I was in a panic. The splinter made me stop. I had to backtrack, come back to reality instead of being days, or weeks ahead trying to figure out what was going to happen. Once I stopped, I could feel the Lord begin to calm my spirits, relieve all of my worries. It was the most incredible feeling. When I got back to my aunt's house after having the splinter cut from my foot, I was alone. Everything was quiet and I could feel God moving in me. I took time out and talked to him, prayed for guidance (something I hadn't taken the time to do since the worries started) and was relieved of so much worry. Now, 3 days before the start of my senior year, I find myself back in the same emergency room, my foot soaking in an iodine solution, waiting for the doctor to return and stitch up the deep gash in my ankle. How it happened is still unclear. At my great aunt's house, there is a glass door that no longer stand open on it's own. Every time you come in, you have to get your feet in before the door slams into your heels. Everyone (and I do mean EVERYONE) has been hit by this door before, including myself, and nothing has happened. How the metal frame of this door caught my heel and sliced open my ankle I still can't figure out. All I knew was I immediately fell to my knees, at which point the door returned to cut me once more. I hobbled my way to the back of the house, unaware that I had even been cut, until my flip-flop was so full of blood that it was like a slip-n-slide. Once the bleeding stopped, I cleaned it and my great aunt looked at it the best she could. Then she went to run her errands and pick up some bandages. By this time my mom was on her way over (she had called while I was slipping into my aunt's room and I had told her what happened). When she arrived, saw what my aunt hadn't. There were 2 cuts, and one was very deep. We went to and emergency care center, one that I have frequented in the past 2 years. I was triaged and sent to a room to wait. I couldn't help laughing because, here in the same room (literally the exact same room) I've been put in every time I've come here, it could only happen to me. Only I could have a fight with a glass door and lose, only I could wind up in the same exam room every time I've been to this care center. Only I could have this crazy medical history and still have the most unusual things keep happening. Once I got out of there with my 4 stitches and my numb ankle I went home. I found myself realizing that my worries about senior year, about my future had subsided. For the past week, as I've counted down to what felt like D-day, freaking out about all the things that have to be done, fundraising for senior trip, figuring out where the senior class has decided on going for senior trip, applying to colleges (and finding the money for the application fees), taking the ACT and the SAT, getting a job, finding scholarships, finding a good, reliable car for a relatively small amount of money. The list goes on and on. From financial worries, academic worries, even to friendship and family worries, all of these thoughts and fears have plagued my existence. But now, with the addition of stitches and pain, my mind had stopped once again. This time I found myself laughing because, once again, it took something painful to slow me down and clear out the chaotic noise in my life. But I was disappointed in myself. One week ago I was at x-week, learning how to spiritually refuel. I had felt so moved by the whole experience, and for a few days I found myself stopping, talking to God more. Then came the flood. The incredible tirade. I realized during x-week that Satan was trying to strike me down, planting thoughts and feelings into me that weren't mine. A very dear friend helped me come to that realization and I took steps to send him away. Now, in the quiet of the last night, I realized (finally) that these worries, these fears, had been another attack. An attack that, unlike the previous, had gone undetected. I had allowed him to make me vulnerable and week, I had allowed him to fill the past few days with so much noise that I could no longer feel the peace, the presence of the Lord surrounding me. I was terrified. Thinking it over again, I realized that I was grateful for this injury, for no other reason than it caused me to come back to reality. It caused me to clear out all of the chaos and focus on what was real. I don't know if that was it's purpose or if it was just some freak accident. I don't think the Lord did this to me, but I think He allowed this to happen so I could finally fully grasp and understand that I am vulnerable. Not physically (though apparently I'm pretty vulnerable in the respect too) but spiritually. Now I need to come closer to my Savior, and find the strength to drown out the noise.

Seeking the Lord in Worship

Everyone is different. Everyone has a different way of seeking the Lord. For some, that could sitting in an empty room, delved deep into the heart of the Word of God, for others, it could be losing yourself in prayer. I have recently discovered that I find the Lord through music. I could be at church, in the car, in my room with my music turned up, or (and this I find most true) simply in the shower.. belting out my passions, my fears, my prayers and praises, my sheer Love for Him in song. (I'm not sure why, but, in the shower everything else disappears. I think it's just as simple as the symbol of it. Completely exposed, I can give all of my "dirt and grime" to God. He washes me and cleanses my soul. but anyway... let's get back on track) Another place I find comfort is online, watching videos, worshipping and praising Him with some of my favorite artists. I have many videos that inspire me, but the one I'm showing you is by far the most moving. Leeland truly inspires me, and he gets me straight back to the heart of worship when I feel that all hope is lost and I'll never make it back. This is strictly a worship video... one on one time... just you and God... and someone who has allowed God to move through him and open his heart. I hope you enjoy the video, but more than that I hope you can get back to the heart... get back to the Lord, let him cleanse you and fill you up!

"You fill me up You fill me up
You are my salvation
You fill me up

You fill me up
You fill me up
You are my salvation
You fill me up
yeah!

You are my salvation Lord
You are my salvation Lord

You are my hope Lord
You are my hope
you are my Sustainer
all glory be to You oh God
all glory be to You oh God
all glory
all the honor
all the honor and praise
ohhh Lord
You fill me up
You fill me up
You are my salvation
You fill me up

You fill me up
You fill me up
You are my Sustainer
You fill me up
ohhh

You are my Sustainer
You are my salvation

all I need
all I need is you God
all I need
all I need yeah

You are all I need
You are all I need Lord
You are all I need Lord
You are all I need Lord
You are all I need Lord
You are all I need Lord
You are all I need

all I need
all I need
You are all I need"



thank you Leeland for posting this video, if only you knew what it's done for me.

May God bless you in all that you do!