I want to get to know you better

There's something I've been meaning to tell you.
I want to get to know you better.

You are so covered in the love of the Father, encapsulated by His crazy love.
You are an inspiration, an encouragement, a shining beacon of light in this dark world.
You are so many things that words can't describe.
And I barely know you.

So I want to know you better.

I want to be able to talk with you about the things you love.
I want to be able to have deep discussions with you.
I want to be able to talk with you about the Lord.
I want to be able to just sit down and talk with you, about anything.
I want to get to know you, and I would absolutely love to be able to worship with you.

You are so sweet, so uplifting, so devoted, and you inspire me to grow in my relationship with my Savior.
You mean so much, for reasons I don't understand, and I can't help but wonder, "What are the things that mean the most to you?"
You have touched my life in just the short time since I've met you, and you continue to touch my heart as each new day dawns.

Thank you,
for being unafraid,
for being unashamed,
for spreading the news,
for sharing the Love,
for being an example of faith,

for simply being you.

It's all about me

Hello blogger world! Gosh it's been a long time since my last update (apart from the one I just made) Life has been so crazy/hectic/exhausting that I haven't kept up with this... =/
A lot has happened since my last update.
1. I went on an amazing winter retreat and grew deeper in my love for the glorious Savior
2. I helped start an after-school Bible study at my school
3. I invited people to that Bible study
4. I read a section of the book Crazy Love for a school competition
5. I then read the same section ^^^^^^^^^^ in front of the entire secondary student body at my school
6. I have started to step outside of my comfort zone and talk to people
7. I have seen things I never thought I'd see
8. I have experienced true faith through a wonderful family
9. I have watched as this same family lost their wife and mother and somehow their faith was still unshaken.
10. I have wept and mourned and rejoiced all at the same time

Gee... this sure seems to be focused on me doesn't it? Look up there for just a minute. What do you see? "I I I I I I I I I I me me me my my my" Now, did I experience all of the things listed above? Yes...
but is it really about me at all?
ABSOLUTELY NOT!
Let's try to look at this list from another perspective, shall we?

*rewinds the tape and starts from the top*

Greetings bloggers! It sure has been a while! So much has happened since we last saw each other.

1. The Lord blessed me with the opportunity to experience Winter Retreat.
2. The Lord guided laid it on my heart that our school needed a Bible study.
3. The Lord gave me the words to speak and the opportunity to invite people to know learn more about Him.
4. The Lord spoke to me through this book, Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and told me that this was something that Must Be Shared.
5. The Lord gave me the courage to stand in front of all of these people who I am so scared of because what I said was something that must be told.
6. The Lord has blessed me with people who constantly remind me how precious I am to them, and to my Father, and He has strengthened my heart and eased my fears so that I can do His work, and share His love with others.
7. The Lord blessed me and showed me something remarkable, something I didn't even think was possible.
8. The Lord has brought this family into my life so that their faith in Him would bless me.
9. The Lord took his daughter home, healed her and removed her pain, and He has her wrapped up in His arms. He has also wrapped them up in His love and is continuously comforting their hearts.
10. The Lord has used this miraculous woman to remind me of how important it is to live a life for Him, to love without boundaries, and to rejoice because He has conquered all our pains and He has conquered death, and one day, I will be able to hug this woman who, having only met her once, has impacted my life so deeply that I may never know the full extent of her love and faith. One day we will see Robin Daley again! One day we will be wrapped up in the arms of the Savior! One day we will be free of pain!

Hmm... now that's more like it, don'tcha think?
The thing is, IT'S NOT ABOUT US! We could live our entire life strictly to please ourselves, and once we were gone, who would really remember? But when we live our lives to glorify the One who created us, the One who saved us, the One who loves us so deeply that He created each and every one of us special and unique, we WILL leave an impression. We WILL impact others' lives. We WILL be remembered because we are being the hands and feet of Christ!

Think about it for a minute. How often do your thoughts involve the words "I, me, my, or mine"? It's alot right?
How much more good could we do if our thoughts were focused less on "what am I doing" and more on "Lord, what is Your plan?"

We are so incredibly unique. We were all created individually and we all have a different purpose. We may not know what that purpose is, but God does. You just have to trust Him to guide you through the darkness to get you to the light!
Rejoice, mourn, reach out, stand up, and GET MOVING!
You can't do anything if you're standing still!
Share the love that is so unceasing, so unfailing, so forgiving, so devoted, so much more than we can fathom! When you do that, you will see that you are making a difference! Don't be afraid, because He is with you and will protect you from harm!



Father God thank you so much for the opportunity to be your hands, your feet, to be the Body of Christ. You are worthy of all praise, glory and honor, and I will serve you with all that I have. You are truly beautiful, Lord and I long to glorify You! Help me be a blessing, Father. Guide my steps and give me the words to speak. I will not be afraid! I stand on Your promise that You are with me and will protect me, Father God. You are mighty to save and You will deliver me!

A little bit about me, and a lot about Him ♥

I am a 19 year old daughter of the Most High God! I was born and raised in church, and even attend a Christian school, but I did not truly accept the love of the Father until 2 weeks before my 18th birthday. I have been redeemed, set free, and I made new. "Because of Christ's redemption, I am a new creation of INFINITE worth. I am deeply loved, completely forgiven, fully pleasing, totally accepted by God and absolutely complete in Christ. There has never been another person like me in the history of mankind, nor will there ever be. God has made me an original, one of a kind, really somebody!" (taken from Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee) This describes the core of my being and I couldn't be more overjoyed by all of these truths! I am a very passionate person; When I love, I love fully and with my whole heart. I love music, it encapsulates a great deal of who I am as a Child of God. I have been called to music ministry and I'm constantly seeking new ways to serve my Lord and Savior. I am by no means perfect, so please don't think otherwise. I am flawed, I make mistakes and I make them often. I am human, which means I am sinful. But I believe in redemption through Jesus Christ. The beauty of the Father is that He KNOWS that we are sinful, He knows we are going to make mistakes long before we even make them, yet He loves us anyway! In fact, not only does He love us, but He loves us with a deeply beautiful, crazy love that cannot be found on earth. He forgives us for every sin we commit, and goes on loving us just the same as before. It is, however, our responsibility to learn from our sins and mistakes. Yes, God will forgive us for our sins, but does that mean that just because He will forgive us, we can just go off and be wild, sinful people all the time? Our goal as His children should always be to bring glory to His name! He is our Father and everything we do should be for the glory of God. Lift your eyes to Him, because He is your Healer, Redeemer, loving Father, best friend, and so much more! He has been with you from the start, and He will never leave you!

The truly wonderful miracle of worship/My marvelous day with my God

Hello all (however few or many all may be =D.) Tonight was a truly wonderful night. Never have a felt so shaken. I'm not even sure why. Today was See You At The Pole at my school. (Yes I know it was last week everywhere else, but our school, being small, rescheduled due to weather with now issues/conflicts.)
Then later we had chapel. ACTUAL CHAPEL. That's a big deal because I've missed chapel. All year we've done break-out sessions, which are good, but I truly miss chapel. I miss the worship, honestly, even though very few actually worshipped God, I did and I valued that time. Anyway, Chris and Jon Crump led worship and that was a blessing. What J.J. spoke about was good, and I just enjoyed that time.
Tonight at Lift(our youth group's wednesday night ministry), we talked about Pleasing Your Parents. It was a good message, it showed me some things, I learned some things, and I already knew some things. It was overall a good message, one that needed to be heard. It was simply and purely a message from God. I enjoyed that and I appreciate and love the fact that I have a church home where I can go and have the Word poured into me.

However, what was truly wonderful was the music. We sang, and through the first song I was distracted. Like all humans, I am flawed and my brain does race ahead of me and refuse to focus on what it's supposed to. But then I stopped myself. I told myself that I was going to give God all of my time and attention. So I took off my glasses (a little physical assistance in erasing the things around me) and that's when it happened. The amazing presence of God consumed me. When I said I was going to focus on God, I began to feel Him. When I made that decision, the whole world around me faded and it was just me and God. It was beautiful. I began to let the music and the connection move me, physically as well as emotionally, and I didn't care who saw or what they thought. I found myself closing my eyes (even though I couldn't see even when my eyes were open) and being consumed. I belted out those songs. I lost myself in that point in time. and it was MIRACULOUS. And silly me, I thought it was just me. I could feel the presence of the Lord strong in the room, but I thought His presence was simply strong in me.
Then J.J. came up to pray after worship, before he got going on his message. And the first thing he said was "I wish you could stand where I was standing and see what I saw in you. I wish you could watch as so many of you poured out your souls to God" (I don't think I got the quote exactly right, but it's the general idea. He was moved because we had poured ourselves out to our MIGHTY SAVIOR. That's what made tonight wonderful.
First of all, the fact that I am growing, beginning to recognize when I'm not focused on God and remedy that, and Second, that I wasn't the only one truly giving Him everything tonight. I LOVE that. I Love being with a group of believers who aren't afraid (at least some of them aren't) to worship God, sing out our prayers and praises to Him, no matter how bad of a singer we may be. I haven't noticed if anyone is exceptionally bad at singing... all I've noticed is that its getting to the point where people don't care if they are or not. If they can carry a tune, Great! If not, Oh Well! It's not about pleasing others, impressing them with musical ability. It's about God! and people are starting to open up and realize that and that's truly a blessing.

GOD IS SO GOOD! and I am so proud that He is my Father. God is LOVE, GOOD, FAITHFUL, FATHER, HEALER, ALL YOU'LL EVER NEED, SAVIOR, FRIEND, MIGHTY TO SAVE, EVERYTHING&&MORE! I hope you know that. I truly do. I hope that you believe that with all of your heart. God means so much to me, He has done so much for me, and I know He can do that for anyone and everyone out there. You just have to ask Him, and believe that He will. He is mighty to save and there is no one like Him. Gosh! I just LOVE MY GOD!

What are your frescos? Do you know?

Have you ever had a moment when your eyes were open to how short, crazy, and hectic your life is? I had one of those days.
During a Bible study at my school, my leader (and my youth pastor),J.J., told us to make a list of 5 moments in your life that you would want painted for all the world to see (we were talking about the frescos of Paul's life in Basilica of Saint Paul Outside the Walls just outside Rome) We just had to list 5 moments. 5 moments in my 18 years of life, full of memories, moments, big, small, chaotic, beautiful moments. It should be easy right? WRONG! It was the most difficult thing I could do, and I could only come up with 2, 3 if I really stretched.
Now why was this so difficult? During that moment, whilst searching for something, ANYTHING to put down, I realized something. My life is so SHORT. Sure, 18 years is a long time... in some cases. But really, it's not all that long, especially when for upwards of 14 years, you had been going through the motions. Being good, not committing any serious sins, but not walking with the Lord either. Just standing still. Content to stay in one place, never grow, never allow yourself to be moved by the the Mighty One. Literally the first thing I could think of to put on my list was something that happened less than a year ago. Breaking Free 2009, in February, was the point where God grabbed me by the heart and told me, "You need to wake up, stop letting this (major anger I'd clung to for so long) hold you back, COME TO ME. I love you, I have always loved you, I will always love you and I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU! Walk with me, I want a relationship with you!"
Sure, before that I had felt God move, but heard Him, TRULY HEARD HIM speak... that had never happened. It was a wake-up call. God was cleansing me, renewing me, erasing all the painful scars of bitterness, and it hurt. Oh my gosh it hurt, but it was a good pain. A cleansing pain.
Ok so that was my big moment... my number 1 in the story of my life. and it happened 8 months ago. For me, that realization shook my foundation. All I could think was "wow, it's amazing how short life can be.. and how long it seems" I honestly look back now, and I can't really remember life before February, not well anyway. After February, I realized that the church I was attending was not providing a nurturing environment. I was virtually invisible there, and I couldn't walk with God without some accountability from somewhere... invisibility did not easily provide accountability. So I started visiting my friend's church. (this is also the church I had been burned by as a child. not the church itself, but the kids in my sunday school classes. They had treated me like I was worthless, like I didn't belong there, and I felt that if that was what serving the Lord looked like, I wanted no part of it.)
Now, however, I was welcomed with open arms. It started out small, just going on wednesday nights. Then saturday nights got worked in, and now I'm going on sunday mornings too. A gradual process that has been amazing. I have never felt more welcome before, and I have people there that will hold me accountable... people who will tell me flat out "I don't like what your doing. What you're doing is not right" (if I ever mess up and fall away again) and people that will woship with me, pray with me, rejoice with me, fall on their knees with me in prayer, come knee to knee deep in the Word of God.
I have had several wonderful moments since February, and several scary moments too. But I need to remember that I'm not through yet. I feel that the Lord is simply not finished with me yet. The things of my past, my problems, my sins, my tragedies and my pains, they are no more. It's not simply that I can't feel them anymore. They are GONE! Jesus has completely erased them. Or at least He can, if I am willing to let Him. Because that's really the trick. God can do all things, but He will not force you to do anything. It is my choice whether I am healed or broken, loved or lonely. It's all my choice. And I still struggle with that. I still daily have to remind myself that I don't have to do this alone anymore. I have a Father, a Guide, a Friend, a SAVIOR to carry the weight of my sins and problems. I have someone who loves me no matter what I do. He loves me and He made me just as I am. I am not flawed because I have been made in His image. He loves everything that He created in my. My shyness and all the other things I count as flaws, He counts as the special things that make me like no other. I am wonderfully made and beautifully broken in Him. and I think that's the hardest thing for me to remeber.
But let's get back to the point. What are your frescos? I'm still painting mine. I don't know what the rest of this world has for me, I don't know what my future holds. But I know that I just have to surrender every day to God. He knows the things that I don't. He knows the stars in the sky, every grain of sand, and every hair on my head. He knows every decision I will make before I make it, and He knows the consequences of my actions. God knows. All we have to do is trust in Him, because it is His mighty power that helps and guides us, and His amazing grace that saves us.
(I apologize, this blog (like many others lately) has taken on a life of it's own. I chased rabbits I did not intend to chase, but apparently I had some things on my heart that needed to be voiced)

A Letter to my Mom

Today in our breakout Bible study groups, our leader told us, "You are going to die before you leave this room. I want you to write a letter to one person, sharing with them how you feel about them, and maybe some wisdom you'd like to share." (Now of course we weren't going to die... but we needed to get into that mindset.) He also told us to take this letter seriously, that he would call on some of us and have us read them to the group. Now the letter itself was a scary subject for me... but the prospect of possibly having to read it to the other students in this group had my heart racing. I debated in my mind about who to write to because, if I wrote to my mom, and did NOT want to read it out loud, but if I wrote to my brother, it wouldn't be as big of a deal. In the end, I sucked it up and wrote this letter to my mom. It was a very difficult letter to write, and I found that half way through it, tears were streaming down my cheeks. No one noticed, except J.J. (the leader). Thankfully, knowing what's been going on in my life he did not make me share my letter with the group. I do however want to post it on here. It is very personal, but what have I posted so far that hasn't been? In reality, (as far as I know) there is only either one or two people who actually read my posts anyway, and both of them know or will be told what's going on anyway so this is truly just a release... so here it is.

Dear Mom,
I just want to tell you that I love you. You have been my everything for so long and you mean the world to me. I know it's going to be hard, but you will survive without me. I know how you've been worried about me leaving for college, and I've told you that I won't be gone forever. This is just like that. Though I may be gone for now, you will have a chance to see me again. God will get you through this, and you still have Zack. You must always remember that God is with you. I pray that you know Him. He has done so much for me and He can do so much for you. He has saved me, forgiven me, loved me, and comforted me. And I believe that He is using me now. Mom, He can be all of that for you too. I know that you think you've been a horrible mom. I know that though I've told you (many times) that I wouldn't trade you for anyone or anything, you don't believe me. But I also know this. Even if you don't believe me, you can believe Jesus. He has forgiven you for all the mistakes you have made. He can make you whole, and I pray that you let Him. I hope you already have let God open your heart and give you peace. If you haven't, I hope that you do. You are SO important to me and I want to see you in Heaven. Momma I LOVE YOU! Please don't ever... EVER forget that! Love always and forever, Your baby girl, Jessy

Have you ever been so down on yourself that the smallest thing could mean to whole world to you? Well that's what happened today. So here's what happened. If you read my last blog, you know that I've had a pretty... rough week emotionally. I've been a wreck. well yesterday added to the list of "oh great.. one more thing to be upset about" list. I was heading to go take the ACT, and I got there and was all ready, and 5 minutes before the test was to start, when the lady was letting us in and checking for IDs, I realized that I didn't have my wallet (with my ID in it). I live 15 minutes away and there was 5 minutes before the test started. My friend was there and even verified who I was (a last-stitch effort to try and convince the woman to let me take the dang test) but it was no use. I couldn't get in. I cried the whole ride home, and then I just crawled into bed, hoping that I could wake up and start this whole day over. Of course that didn't work, but the whole rest of my day was just.. well.. UGH! I pretended I was alright, but honestly, the ID thing was the straw that broke the camel's back. I felt so miserable about everything about myself, I was a stupid, careless, forgetful, worthless, family-ruining, awful person. (Now I don't really believe these things... most of the time... but yesterday was just that.. well.. blehhh). Later that day, I tried to get up, dust myself off, and go out. I went to 4:12 groups at church. It was pretty interesting. This week, my school merged with another school because the groups had just gotten too small. Then we got down to the church service and things were alright. I got through the service, (noticing my mind-reading skills kicking into overdrive as I knew almost every point the pastor was about to put on the screen)and then I chilled and talked with some friends. Then me and 3 other friends decided to go to Dairy Queen. When we got there we just hung out, chilled out, had fun for an hour, made a hilarious video of one of them trying to shove a dipped cone in her mouth.. it was awesome. I got home, did some laundry, and crawled back to my little hole, where I could curl up and feel like crap again. Despite the fun ending, the beginning of the day had still broken me, not that I was gonna let it show. I woke up, got ready for church, put on make-up (yet another last-stitch effort, this time to make me feel kinda ok about myself... enough that I could get through the service without crumbling to pieces.) The sermon was good, the music was good,.. but I felt distant, which of course only made me feel worse. I just kept thinking "great! you're so worthless, you're letting all this crap get in the way of worshipping God... how can you live with yourself?!?!" Yes, stupid I know.. but that's just how crappy I felt. anyway.. we got upstairs and I was sitting there with my friend, and we were talking. One of her friends came up to talk to her... and I thought it was gonna be one of the standard "I'll just sit here while you two talk, no biggy, I'm invisible" things. I've never really had the opportunity to even meet him before, even though I've seen him a thousand times, and I was just not feeling good enough to strike up a first-time conversation. So anyway... he hugged her, and then he looked over at me sittin there and opened his arms. It took me about 10 seconds to realize.. "HEY! wake up... he's trying to hug you!! FOCUS!" I stood up, hugged him, and sat back down. But when I sat down,.. I didn't feel so awful.. I didn't feel so invisible. Yep that's right... one hug from a person I've never even met completely made my day. I don't know how, I don't really understand it myself. It wasn't any big life-changing, bearhug embrace that every girl longs for, it was just your average hug... so why did it make such an impact?!I think it was just that I wasn't invisible, I DID exist, I hadn't sunken so low that nobody could see me anymore. So anyways... thats pretty much it. It just goes to show that one tiny thing can change somebody's day. It could be a hug, or even just a smile. You'd be surprised at how much a hug can speak. A hug can say "I love you","You aren't invisible","I care about you","I'm here for you","You do exist","It's all gonna be alright." I bet you didn't know a hug could say so much did you? ha! You just have to watch, see what a hug does to somebody, see how the hug goes, is it quick? is it slow? is it tight? is it soft and soothing? OKAY WAIT! I'm wondering how this blog turned into my hugologist view of the world... o.O interesting... well anyway! back to the point. Share a smile (or a hug). You could just make someone's day, you could give them hope when it feels like they have none and not even know it!