The truly wonderful miracle of worship/My marvelous day with my God

Hello all (however few or many all may be =D.) Tonight was a truly wonderful night. Never have a felt so shaken. I'm not even sure why. Today was See You At The Pole at my school. (Yes I know it was last week everywhere else, but our school, being small, rescheduled due to weather with now issues/conflicts.)
Then later we had chapel. ACTUAL CHAPEL. That's a big deal because I've missed chapel. All year we've done break-out sessions, which are good, but I truly miss chapel. I miss the worship, honestly, even though very few actually worshipped God, I did and I valued that time. Anyway, Chris and Jon Crump led worship and that was a blessing. What J.J. spoke about was good, and I just enjoyed that time.
Tonight at Lift(our youth group's wednesday night ministry), we talked about Pleasing Your Parents. It was a good message, it showed me some things, I learned some things, and I already knew some things. It was overall a good message, one that needed to be heard. It was simply and purely a message from God. I enjoyed that and I appreciate and love the fact that I have a church home where I can go and have the Word poured into me.

However, what was truly wonderful was the music. We sang, and through the first song I was distracted. Like all humans, I am flawed and my brain does race ahead of me and refuse to focus on what it's supposed to. But then I stopped myself. I told myself that I was going to give God all of my time and attention. So I took off my glasses (a little physical assistance in erasing the things around me) and that's when it happened. The amazing presence of God consumed me. When I said I was going to focus on God, I began to feel Him. When I made that decision, the whole world around me faded and it was just me and God. It was beautiful. I began to let the music and the connection move me, physically as well as emotionally, and I didn't care who saw or what they thought. I found myself closing my eyes (even though I couldn't see even when my eyes were open) and being consumed. I belted out those songs. I lost myself in that point in time. and it was MIRACULOUS. And silly me, I thought it was just me. I could feel the presence of the Lord strong in the room, but I thought His presence was simply strong in me.
Then J.J. came up to pray after worship, before he got going on his message. And the first thing he said was "I wish you could stand where I was standing and see what I saw in you. I wish you could watch as so many of you poured out your souls to God" (I don't think I got the quote exactly right, but it's the general idea. He was moved because we had poured ourselves out to our MIGHTY SAVIOR. That's what made tonight wonderful.
First of all, the fact that I am growing, beginning to recognize when I'm not focused on God and remedy that, and Second, that I wasn't the only one truly giving Him everything tonight. I LOVE that. I Love being with a group of believers who aren't afraid (at least some of them aren't) to worship God, sing out our prayers and praises to Him, no matter how bad of a singer we may be. I haven't noticed if anyone is exceptionally bad at singing... all I've noticed is that its getting to the point where people don't care if they are or not. If they can carry a tune, Great! If not, Oh Well! It's not about pleasing others, impressing them with musical ability. It's about God! and people are starting to open up and realize that and that's truly a blessing.

GOD IS SO GOOD! and I am so proud that He is my Father. God is LOVE, GOOD, FAITHFUL, FATHER, HEALER, ALL YOU'LL EVER NEED, SAVIOR, FRIEND, MIGHTY TO SAVE, EVERYTHING&&MORE! I hope you know that. I truly do. I hope that you believe that with all of your heart. God means so much to me, He has done so much for me, and I know He can do that for anyone and everyone out there. You just have to ask Him, and believe that He will. He is mighty to save and there is no one like Him. Gosh! I just LOVE MY GOD!

What are your frescos? Do you know?

Have you ever had a moment when your eyes were open to how short, crazy, and hectic your life is? I had one of those days.
During a Bible study at my school, my leader (and my youth pastor),J.J., told us to make a list of 5 moments in your life that you would want painted for all the world to see (we were talking about the frescos of Paul's life in Basilica of Saint Paul Outside the Walls just outside Rome) We just had to list 5 moments. 5 moments in my 18 years of life, full of memories, moments, big, small, chaotic, beautiful moments. It should be easy right? WRONG! It was the most difficult thing I could do, and I could only come up with 2, 3 if I really stretched.
Now why was this so difficult? During that moment, whilst searching for something, ANYTHING to put down, I realized something. My life is so SHORT. Sure, 18 years is a long time... in some cases. But really, it's not all that long, especially when for upwards of 14 years, you had been going through the motions. Being good, not committing any serious sins, but not walking with the Lord either. Just standing still. Content to stay in one place, never grow, never allow yourself to be moved by the the Mighty One. Literally the first thing I could think of to put on my list was something that happened less than a year ago. Breaking Free 2009, in February, was the point where God grabbed me by the heart and told me, "You need to wake up, stop letting this (major anger I'd clung to for so long) hold you back, COME TO ME. I love you, I have always loved you, I will always love you and I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU! Walk with me, I want a relationship with you!"
Sure, before that I had felt God move, but heard Him, TRULY HEARD HIM speak... that had never happened. It was a wake-up call. God was cleansing me, renewing me, erasing all the painful scars of bitterness, and it hurt. Oh my gosh it hurt, but it was a good pain. A cleansing pain.
Ok so that was my big moment... my number 1 in the story of my life. and it happened 8 months ago. For me, that realization shook my foundation. All I could think was "wow, it's amazing how short life can be.. and how long it seems" I honestly look back now, and I can't really remember life before February, not well anyway. After February, I realized that the church I was attending was not providing a nurturing environment. I was virtually invisible there, and I couldn't walk with God without some accountability from somewhere... invisibility did not easily provide accountability. So I started visiting my friend's church. (this is also the church I had been burned by as a child. not the church itself, but the kids in my sunday school classes. They had treated me like I was worthless, like I didn't belong there, and I felt that if that was what serving the Lord looked like, I wanted no part of it.)
Now, however, I was welcomed with open arms. It started out small, just going on wednesday nights. Then saturday nights got worked in, and now I'm going on sunday mornings too. A gradual process that has been amazing. I have never felt more welcome before, and I have people there that will hold me accountable... people who will tell me flat out "I don't like what your doing. What you're doing is not right" (if I ever mess up and fall away again) and people that will woship with me, pray with me, rejoice with me, fall on their knees with me in prayer, come knee to knee deep in the Word of God.
I have had several wonderful moments since February, and several scary moments too. But I need to remember that I'm not through yet. I feel that the Lord is simply not finished with me yet. The things of my past, my problems, my sins, my tragedies and my pains, they are no more. It's not simply that I can't feel them anymore. They are GONE! Jesus has completely erased them. Or at least He can, if I am willing to let Him. Because that's really the trick. God can do all things, but He will not force you to do anything. It is my choice whether I am healed or broken, loved or lonely. It's all my choice. And I still struggle with that. I still daily have to remind myself that I don't have to do this alone anymore. I have a Father, a Guide, a Friend, a SAVIOR to carry the weight of my sins and problems. I have someone who loves me no matter what I do. He loves me and He made me just as I am. I am not flawed because I have been made in His image. He loves everything that He created in my. My shyness and all the other things I count as flaws, He counts as the special things that make me like no other. I am wonderfully made and beautifully broken in Him. and I think that's the hardest thing for me to remeber.
But let's get back to the point. What are your frescos? I'm still painting mine. I don't know what the rest of this world has for me, I don't know what my future holds. But I know that I just have to surrender every day to God. He knows the things that I don't. He knows the stars in the sky, every grain of sand, and every hair on my head. He knows every decision I will make before I make it, and He knows the consequences of my actions. God knows. All we have to do is trust in Him, because it is His mighty power that helps and guides us, and His amazing grace that saves us.
(I apologize, this blog (like many others lately) has taken on a life of it's own. I chased rabbits I did not intend to chase, but apparently I had some things on my heart that needed to be voiced)

A Letter to my Mom

Today in our breakout Bible study groups, our leader told us, "You are going to die before you leave this room. I want you to write a letter to one person, sharing with them how you feel about them, and maybe some wisdom you'd like to share." (Now of course we weren't going to die... but we needed to get into that mindset.) He also told us to take this letter seriously, that he would call on some of us and have us read them to the group. Now the letter itself was a scary subject for me... but the prospect of possibly having to read it to the other students in this group had my heart racing. I debated in my mind about who to write to because, if I wrote to my mom, and did NOT want to read it out loud, but if I wrote to my brother, it wouldn't be as big of a deal. In the end, I sucked it up and wrote this letter to my mom. It was a very difficult letter to write, and I found that half way through it, tears were streaming down my cheeks. No one noticed, except J.J. (the leader). Thankfully, knowing what's been going on in my life he did not make me share my letter with the group. I do however want to post it on here. It is very personal, but what have I posted so far that hasn't been? In reality, (as far as I know) there is only either one or two people who actually read my posts anyway, and both of them know or will be told what's going on anyway so this is truly just a release... so here it is.

Dear Mom,
I just want to tell you that I love you. You have been my everything for so long and you mean the world to me. I know it's going to be hard, but you will survive without me. I know how you've been worried about me leaving for college, and I've told you that I won't be gone forever. This is just like that. Though I may be gone for now, you will have a chance to see me again. God will get you through this, and you still have Zack. You must always remember that God is with you. I pray that you know Him. He has done so much for me and He can do so much for you. He has saved me, forgiven me, loved me, and comforted me. And I believe that He is using me now. Mom, He can be all of that for you too. I know that you think you've been a horrible mom. I know that though I've told you (many times) that I wouldn't trade you for anyone or anything, you don't believe me. But I also know this. Even if you don't believe me, you can believe Jesus. He has forgiven you for all the mistakes you have made. He can make you whole, and I pray that you let Him. I hope you already have let God open your heart and give you peace. If you haven't, I hope that you do. You are SO important to me and I want to see you in Heaven. Momma I LOVE YOU! Please don't ever... EVER forget that! Love always and forever, Your baby girl, Jessy

Have you ever been so down on yourself that the smallest thing could mean to whole world to you? Well that's what happened today. So here's what happened. If you read my last blog, you know that I've had a pretty... rough week emotionally. I've been a wreck. well yesterday added to the list of "oh great.. one more thing to be upset about" list. I was heading to go take the ACT, and I got there and was all ready, and 5 minutes before the test was to start, when the lady was letting us in and checking for IDs, I realized that I didn't have my wallet (with my ID in it). I live 15 minutes away and there was 5 minutes before the test started. My friend was there and even verified who I was (a last-stitch effort to try and convince the woman to let me take the dang test) but it was no use. I couldn't get in. I cried the whole ride home, and then I just crawled into bed, hoping that I could wake up and start this whole day over. Of course that didn't work, but the whole rest of my day was just.. well.. UGH! I pretended I was alright, but honestly, the ID thing was the straw that broke the camel's back. I felt so miserable about everything about myself, I was a stupid, careless, forgetful, worthless, family-ruining, awful person. (Now I don't really believe these things... most of the time... but yesterday was just that.. well.. blehhh). Later that day, I tried to get up, dust myself off, and go out. I went to 4:12 groups at church. It was pretty interesting. This week, my school merged with another school because the groups had just gotten too small. Then we got down to the church service and things were alright. I got through the service, (noticing my mind-reading skills kicking into overdrive as I knew almost every point the pastor was about to put on the screen)and then I chilled and talked with some friends. Then me and 3 other friends decided to go to Dairy Queen. When we got there we just hung out, chilled out, had fun for an hour, made a hilarious video of one of them trying to shove a dipped cone in her mouth.. it was awesome. I got home, did some laundry, and crawled back to my little hole, where I could curl up and feel like crap again. Despite the fun ending, the beginning of the day had still broken me, not that I was gonna let it show. I woke up, got ready for church, put on make-up (yet another last-stitch effort, this time to make me feel kinda ok about myself... enough that I could get through the service without crumbling to pieces.) The sermon was good, the music was good,.. but I felt distant, which of course only made me feel worse. I just kept thinking "great! you're so worthless, you're letting all this crap get in the way of worshipping God... how can you live with yourself?!?!" Yes, stupid I know.. but that's just how crappy I felt. anyway.. we got upstairs and I was sitting there with my friend, and we were talking. One of her friends came up to talk to her... and I thought it was gonna be one of the standard "I'll just sit here while you two talk, no biggy, I'm invisible" things. I've never really had the opportunity to even meet him before, even though I've seen him a thousand times, and I was just not feeling good enough to strike up a first-time conversation. So anyway... he hugged her, and then he looked over at me sittin there and opened his arms. It took me about 10 seconds to realize.. "HEY! wake up... he's trying to hug you!! FOCUS!" I stood up, hugged him, and sat back down. But when I sat down,.. I didn't feel so awful.. I didn't feel so invisible. Yep that's right... one hug from a person I've never even met completely made my day. I don't know how, I don't really understand it myself. It wasn't any big life-changing, bearhug embrace that every girl longs for, it was just your average hug... so why did it make such an impact?!I think it was just that I wasn't invisible, I DID exist, I hadn't sunken so low that nobody could see me anymore. So anyways... thats pretty much it. It just goes to show that one tiny thing can change somebody's day. It could be a hug, or even just a smile. You'd be surprised at how much a hug can speak. A hug can say "I love you","You aren't invisible","I care about you","I'm here for you","You do exist","It's all gonna be alright." I bet you didn't know a hug could say so much did you? ha! You just have to watch, see what a hug does to somebody, see how the hug goes, is it quick? is it slow? is it tight? is it soft and soothing? OKAY WAIT! I'm wondering how this blog turned into my hugologist view of the world... o.O interesting... well anyway! back to the point. Share a smile (or a hug). You could just make someone's day, you could give them hope when it feels like they have none and not even know it!

"It's Just a Dream!"/My Crazy Day

OK this is probably gonna be a short one, but I just needed to do something, write something, release some of this nonsense so that maybe, hopefully, I'll get some peaceful sleep tonight. alright.. so today has been probably one of the hardest days I've had since school started. Last night I had an AWFUL dream that my mom died in a car crash. I woke up in tears, and it all felt so real that I didn't even feel like I'd slept. Now some of you may think, "hey... it's just a dream... no big deal. don't read so much into it... IT'S JUST A DREAM." The problem is, it didn't feel like a dream. Yesterday, my parents were supposed to come back to the house to pick up some clothes I had washed, and they never showed up. There are no more minutes on their phone so when I tried to call them, I got no answer. That alone was a little disconcerting... but add to that the horrific image of my mother, all I've had for so long, dying in a car accident... I was horrified. The only reason I was able to get up and go to school today was because these 2 thoughts came into my head. 1)"whatever happens, God is on my side, and He will get me through anything... even something this devastating"... and 2)"I must really be upsetting Satan for him to be taking such a personal interest in trying to derail me from my walk with God." Now as morbid or crazy that statement sounds (depending on your beliefs), it really helped me because Satan doesn't invest time in people (trying to lead them astray) who are not being moved by the Lord, making a difference for the Lord, becoming closer to Him. Satan tends to focus on those who God is using... the people who are trying to glorify God in all they do. Naturally the idea that Satan keeps messing with me (even though that's terrifying) was a comforting feeling. It told me that I was doing the right thing... that I was following the path God has paved for me. ANYWAY... I went through the day pretending that nothing was wrong. I didn't even tell my 2 best friends about my dream. It was sooo hard to not see them this morning, break down and cry to them, but (being imperfect and self-conscious) I felt I simply COULDN'T let people see that something was wrong with me. and i KNEW that if I told either one of them, or both of them, I would break... my emotions would come out in a flood of destruction and that simply was not an option... I couldn't let it happen. So all day.. and boy was it a long one... I pretended.... I laughed, I joked, I sang, and I clung desperately to the knowledge that God was right there with me... I wasn't alone... and God would get me through. After school.. I told one of my amazing friends, and exactly what I had avoided all day happened. The flood of emotions, fears and tears... but with her it didn't matter... with her it was perfectly fine. We prayed together and for the rest of the afternoon I was ok. I could feel the Lord with me... and I could feel Him wrap His arms around me when I thought I'd break. but then... waiting for worship to start... these girls came up to my brother and were messing with him... sitting in his lap and demanding that he tell them he loved them... and when they walked away I could hear them laughing and telling their friends what they'd done. I was FURIOUS! It took all I had, AND the power of God to hold me back. I wanted to yell and scream and slap them until they were in so much pain that they would NEVER mess with my brother again. It was so difficult sitting there and not doing anything. I know I should have confronted them, called them on their actions, but I knew that (after the day I'd had and the emotions I'd concealed all day) I would explode! I knew that if I went to them... I would unload all of my pain on them, and I knew it would get physical... because I was just that furious/emotional. So I sat there, held my tongue, and tried to cool off. Once worship started I was pretty much ok. Chris Crump lead us and I was so thrilled because he is such an inspiration to me. It was like he had personally consulted God about the song choices tonight too.. because they all made me feel so much better. then he sang "How He loves us" (I don't know if that's the real title but oh well =/) With that song I broke. I was so drained, so weary, and that reminder... He is jealous for me... He loves me... it just lifted me up, and made me feel (for the moment) like nothing was wrong. but more than the song itself... what Chris said connected with me... he said that this was more than a song... it was a prayer to God (and I knew that.. but for some reason the reminder really helped). He said that we needed to sing it to Him at the top of our lungs... give Him everything we had! He said, "I'm not really an eloquent speaker, and it's just so much easier for me to sing everything to God." that connected with me because that's how I feel. I'm not all that wonderful at talking.. to anyone really. And for reasons I don't understand... the best way for me to express my needs, my thanks, my EVERYTHING to God is through song. (my worship blog discusses all that again) I don't know why but, the knowledge that I wasn't the only one who felt like music was the best way of communicating with My Savior made me feel like I could relate... like it was this special bond that not everyone had. That knowledge really lifted me up (probably because after the rest of the day... knowing I wasn't a freak, knowing I wasn't alone, knowing that someone out there was like me... it just made me feel so.... I don't know... LOVED!! anyway... I know that last bit doesn't make much sense... but that's ok... it doesn't have to make sense to you.... and ok so it wasn't a short little thing... Apparently I really had a LOT to say... but now... I'm off to bed because I'm too drained to keep going... it's time to sleep (hopefully) peacefully, and start anew tomorrow. so goodnight... and please remember that God is there for you... even when you feel like you're alone... He's there. and if you don't understand that, don't know who He is... or just want to know more... Please... let me know. I'd be absolutely honored to share the love of my Savior with you.

The Life of a Simple Girl (Are you ready?)

Ok so this was an assignment in one of my classes.. but I really enjoyed writing it so... I'm gonna post it here as well =D

The Life of a Simple Girl
Are you ready?

Alright, so here we go! My name is Jessica Renae Neumann My first name means “God’s Grace” and my middle name means “Reborn.” I was born in Denver, Colorado on March 1, 1991. I wasn’t there very long. My mom brought me back to Pasadena after only a couple of months. I will not disclose the reasons for her move at this time (in other words for you kids out there, it’s secret/painful and I don’t want to talk about it) I’ve gone to First Baptist Christian Academy for my entire life. That’s right… I am a lifer… dun dun dun. I drifted from the church when I was young. I was ridiculed by the kids in my Sunday school and (at that time) I thought “if this is what loving God is all about, torturing others, or just ignoring them, then I don’t want to be a part of it.” In 8th grade, I started going to a different church, and I met new people, made new friends, and was happy. That place changed my life. Before that I was a wreck, depressed, alone, abandoned. This church felt like my home… I wasn’t ashamed to be there, I didn’t feel alone. It was what I needed, a stepping stone on the path of my life.
In the summer of 2008, while helping my friend prepare for a garage sale, I fell down her stairs and broke my fibula and my ankle. When I got to the emergency room, they told me I would not need surgery, but they could not cast it there… I would have to go to a specialist for that. GREAT! It took 8 days to get an appointment to get a cast. When I did get to Texas Children’s Hospital, they took more x-rays, and the next thing I know there are 5 doctors in the room with me… apparently my injury was more serious than the emergency room expected. The next thing I knew I was being prepped for surgery. It was really all a daze. When I woke up, I was in intense pain, I had a steel plate in my leg, piecing my fibula together, and 2 screws holding my ankle in place. This was going to be an absolutely wonderful experience!!! 3 months without walking, completely isolated in my house, with only movies and my babies (my 4 cats) to keep me company. When I started school it was the same song but a different verse. Through the first month I still felt alone, even though I had 2 of the best friends I’ve ever had with me. In September, I signed up to go to Youth Explosion, even though I was still in a wheelchair. The first night I saw a band that I haven’t been able to forget. Leeland truly stole my heart (haha You’ve stolen my heart!... it’s a song for you non-leeland-lovers). I also saw Jimmy Needham, who fittingly sang Hurricane. He is also someone I can’t get outta my head. Little did any of us know that Hurricane Ike would ruin the rest of this “revival” of sorts. The next day, Ike hit us. The power was out for a little over a week… in the midst of this… I returned to the hospital to have my 2 screws removed from my ankle. It was one crazy time in my life. Later, I went to Breaking Free (in February) and had an amazing experience. The Lord changed me, opened my heart, closed all the painful doors to my past, and made me whole.
My life changed during spring break when I went with my family to Nashville, Tn. Since I was little I had a plan. I was going to go to Texas A&M and I was going to be a veterinarian. Nashville changed all that. I fell in love with that city, and I didn’t want to come back. This place no longer felt like home. Tennessee would be my home. When I returned, I immediately began planning my new future. I WILL go to Belmont University, I will be a music business major, and I will be a music producer. (this is all as long as the Lord wants me to do it, but I honestly feel that’s where I belong) I went through this past summer with nothing but worries, plans, fears, plaguing my mind. How would I do this? How could I move to a whole new state, by myself, start over with nothing and no one with me. The thing that kept me going was that I KNEW that I would have God with me. I’ve now started my senior year, and I’m not gonna lie, I’m terrified of what spring will bring, but I know that I will make it. I’ve got good friends, supporting family, and most important, I’ve got my God, my Creator, my Salvation, my Sustainer, my Ever-Present Help. He’s all I need in this world and with Him I will never be alone.
I love to sing (hence the music major thing). I love to create things: blankets, jewelry, anything I can make with my hands and say “HEY! I made that” I have at least 4 half-brothers. I only live with one. 2 of them think I’m their cousin and I’ve never met the 4th. I probably have more of them out there, but I don’t know who they are. I am the only girl in my family. WEIRD! I love my mom, she’s been all I’ve had for so long that I don’t know how I’d function without her. She’s taught me so much and I’ll never be able to repay her for all she’s given me.