"It's Just a Dream!"/My Crazy Day

OK this is probably gonna be a short one, but I just needed to do something, write something, release some of this nonsense so that maybe, hopefully, I'll get some peaceful sleep tonight. alright.. so today has been probably one of the hardest days I've had since school started. Last night I had an AWFUL dream that my mom died in a car crash. I woke up in tears, and it all felt so real that I didn't even feel like I'd slept. Now some of you may think, "hey... it's just a dream... no big deal. don't read so much into it... IT'S JUST A DREAM." The problem is, it didn't feel like a dream. Yesterday, my parents were supposed to come back to the house to pick up some clothes I had washed, and they never showed up. There are no more minutes on their phone so when I tried to call them, I got no answer. That alone was a little disconcerting... but add to that the horrific image of my mother, all I've had for so long, dying in a car accident... I was horrified. The only reason I was able to get up and go to school today was because these 2 thoughts came into my head. 1)"whatever happens, God is on my side, and He will get me through anything... even something this devastating"... and 2)"I must really be upsetting Satan for him to be taking such a personal interest in trying to derail me from my walk with God." Now as morbid or crazy that statement sounds (depending on your beliefs), it really helped me because Satan doesn't invest time in people (trying to lead them astray) who are not being moved by the Lord, making a difference for the Lord, becoming closer to Him. Satan tends to focus on those who God is using... the people who are trying to glorify God in all they do. Naturally the idea that Satan keeps messing with me (even though that's terrifying) was a comforting feeling. It told me that I was doing the right thing... that I was following the path God has paved for me. ANYWAY... I went through the day pretending that nothing was wrong. I didn't even tell my 2 best friends about my dream. It was sooo hard to not see them this morning, break down and cry to them, but (being imperfect and self-conscious) I felt I simply COULDN'T let people see that something was wrong with me. and i KNEW that if I told either one of them, or both of them, I would break... my emotions would come out in a flood of destruction and that simply was not an option... I couldn't let it happen. So all day.. and boy was it a long one... I pretended.... I laughed, I joked, I sang, and I clung desperately to the knowledge that God was right there with me... I wasn't alone... and God would get me through. After school.. I told one of my amazing friends, and exactly what I had avoided all day happened. The flood of emotions, fears and tears... but with her it didn't matter... with her it was perfectly fine. We prayed together and for the rest of the afternoon I was ok. I could feel the Lord with me... and I could feel Him wrap His arms around me when I thought I'd break. but then... waiting for worship to start... these girls came up to my brother and were messing with him... sitting in his lap and demanding that he tell them he loved them... and when they walked away I could hear them laughing and telling their friends what they'd done. I was FURIOUS! It took all I had, AND the power of God to hold me back. I wanted to yell and scream and slap them until they were in so much pain that they would NEVER mess with my brother again. It was so difficult sitting there and not doing anything. I know I should have confronted them, called them on their actions, but I knew that (after the day I'd had and the emotions I'd concealed all day) I would explode! I knew that if I went to them... I would unload all of my pain on them, and I knew it would get physical... because I was just that furious/emotional. So I sat there, held my tongue, and tried to cool off. Once worship started I was pretty much ok. Chris Crump lead us and I was so thrilled because he is such an inspiration to me. It was like he had personally consulted God about the song choices tonight too.. because they all made me feel so much better. then he sang "How He loves us" (I don't know if that's the real title but oh well =/) With that song I broke. I was so drained, so weary, and that reminder... He is jealous for me... He loves me... it just lifted me up, and made me feel (for the moment) like nothing was wrong. but more than the song itself... what Chris said connected with me... he said that this was more than a song... it was a prayer to God (and I knew that.. but for some reason the reminder really helped). He said that we needed to sing it to Him at the top of our lungs... give Him everything we had! He said, "I'm not really an eloquent speaker, and it's just so much easier for me to sing everything to God." that connected with me because that's how I feel. I'm not all that wonderful at talking.. to anyone really. And for reasons I don't understand... the best way for me to express my needs, my thanks, my EVERYTHING to God is through song. (my worship blog discusses all that again) I don't know why but, the knowledge that I wasn't the only one who felt like music was the best way of communicating with My Savior made me feel like I could relate... like it was this special bond that not everyone had. That knowledge really lifted me up (probably because after the rest of the day... knowing I wasn't a freak, knowing I wasn't alone, knowing that someone out there was like me... it just made me feel so.... I don't know... LOVED!! anyway... I know that last bit doesn't make much sense... but that's ok... it doesn't have to make sense to you.... and ok so it wasn't a short little thing... Apparently I really had a LOT to say... but now... I'm off to bed because I'm too drained to keep going... it's time to sleep (hopefully) peacefully, and start anew tomorrow. so goodnight... and please remember that God is there for you... even when you feel like you're alone... He's there. and if you don't understand that, don't know who He is... or just want to know more... Please... let me know. I'd be absolutely honored to share the love of my Savior with you.