A Letter to my Mom

Today in our breakout Bible study groups, our leader told us, "You are going to die before you leave this room. I want you to write a letter to one person, sharing with them how you feel about them, and maybe some wisdom you'd like to share." (Now of course we weren't going to die... but we needed to get into that mindset.) He also told us to take this letter seriously, that he would call on some of us and have us read them to the group. Now the letter itself was a scary subject for me... but the prospect of possibly having to read it to the other students in this group had my heart racing. I debated in my mind about who to write to because, if I wrote to my mom, and did NOT want to read it out loud, but if I wrote to my brother, it wouldn't be as big of a deal. In the end, I sucked it up and wrote this letter to my mom. It was a very difficult letter to write, and I found that half way through it, tears were streaming down my cheeks. No one noticed, except J.J. (the leader). Thankfully, knowing what's been going on in my life he did not make me share my letter with the group. I do however want to post it on here. It is very personal, but what have I posted so far that hasn't been? In reality, (as far as I know) there is only either one or two people who actually read my posts anyway, and both of them know or will be told what's going on anyway so this is truly just a release... so here it is.

Dear Mom,
I just want to tell you that I love you. You have been my everything for so long and you mean the world to me. I know it's going to be hard, but you will survive without me. I know how you've been worried about me leaving for college, and I've told you that I won't be gone forever. This is just like that. Though I may be gone for now, you will have a chance to see me again. God will get you through this, and you still have Zack. You must always remember that God is with you. I pray that you know Him. He has done so much for me and He can do so much for you. He has saved me, forgiven me, loved me, and comforted me. And I believe that He is using me now. Mom, He can be all of that for you too. I know that you think you've been a horrible mom. I know that though I've told you (many times) that I wouldn't trade you for anyone or anything, you don't believe me. But I also know this. Even if you don't believe me, you can believe Jesus. He has forgiven you for all the mistakes you have made. He can make you whole, and I pray that you let Him. I hope you already have let God open your heart and give you peace. If you haven't, I hope that you do. You are SO important to me and I want to see you in Heaven. Momma I LOVE YOU! Please don't ever... EVER forget that! Love always and forever, Your baby girl, Jessy

Have you ever been so down on yourself that the smallest thing could mean to whole world to you? Well that's what happened today. So here's what happened. If you read my last blog, you know that I've had a pretty... rough week emotionally. I've been a wreck. well yesterday added to the list of "oh great.. one more thing to be upset about" list. I was heading to go take the ACT, and I got there and was all ready, and 5 minutes before the test was to start, when the lady was letting us in and checking for IDs, I realized that I didn't have my wallet (with my ID in it). I live 15 minutes away and there was 5 minutes before the test started. My friend was there and even verified who I was (a last-stitch effort to try and convince the woman to let me take the dang test) but it was no use. I couldn't get in. I cried the whole ride home, and then I just crawled into bed, hoping that I could wake up and start this whole day over. Of course that didn't work, but the whole rest of my day was just.. well.. UGH! I pretended I was alright, but honestly, the ID thing was the straw that broke the camel's back. I felt so miserable about everything about myself, I was a stupid, careless, forgetful, worthless, family-ruining, awful person. (Now I don't really believe these things... most of the time... but yesterday was just that.. well.. blehhh). Later that day, I tried to get up, dust myself off, and go out. I went to 4:12 groups at church. It was pretty interesting. This week, my school merged with another school because the groups had just gotten too small. Then we got down to the church service and things were alright. I got through the service, (noticing my mind-reading skills kicking into overdrive as I knew almost every point the pastor was about to put on the screen)and then I chilled and talked with some friends. Then me and 3 other friends decided to go to Dairy Queen. When we got there we just hung out, chilled out, had fun for an hour, made a hilarious video of one of them trying to shove a dipped cone in her mouth.. it was awesome. I got home, did some laundry, and crawled back to my little hole, where I could curl up and feel like crap again. Despite the fun ending, the beginning of the day had still broken me, not that I was gonna let it show. I woke up, got ready for church, put on make-up (yet another last-stitch effort, this time to make me feel kinda ok about myself... enough that I could get through the service without crumbling to pieces.) The sermon was good, the music was good,.. but I felt distant, which of course only made me feel worse. I just kept thinking "great! you're so worthless, you're letting all this crap get in the way of worshipping God... how can you live with yourself?!?!" Yes, stupid I know.. but that's just how crappy I felt. anyway.. we got upstairs and I was sitting there with my friend, and we were talking. One of her friends came up to talk to her... and I thought it was gonna be one of the standard "I'll just sit here while you two talk, no biggy, I'm invisible" things. I've never really had the opportunity to even meet him before, even though I've seen him a thousand times, and I was just not feeling good enough to strike up a first-time conversation. So anyway... he hugged her, and then he looked over at me sittin there and opened his arms. It took me about 10 seconds to realize.. "HEY! wake up... he's trying to hug you!! FOCUS!" I stood up, hugged him, and sat back down. But when I sat down,.. I didn't feel so awful.. I didn't feel so invisible. Yep that's right... one hug from a person I've never even met completely made my day. I don't know how, I don't really understand it myself. It wasn't any big life-changing, bearhug embrace that every girl longs for, it was just your average hug... so why did it make such an impact?!I think it was just that I wasn't invisible, I DID exist, I hadn't sunken so low that nobody could see me anymore. So anyways... thats pretty much it. It just goes to show that one tiny thing can change somebody's day. It could be a hug, or even just a smile. You'd be surprised at how much a hug can speak. A hug can say "I love you","You aren't invisible","I care about you","I'm here for you","You do exist","It's all gonna be alright." I bet you didn't know a hug could say so much did you? ha! You just have to watch, see what a hug does to somebody, see how the hug goes, is it quick? is it slow? is it tight? is it soft and soothing? OKAY WAIT! I'm wondering how this blog turned into my hugologist view of the world... o.O interesting... well anyway! back to the point. Share a smile (or a hug). You could just make someone's day, you could give them hope when it feels like they have none and not even know it!

"It's Just a Dream!"/My Crazy Day

OK this is probably gonna be a short one, but I just needed to do something, write something, release some of this nonsense so that maybe, hopefully, I'll get some peaceful sleep tonight. alright.. so today has been probably one of the hardest days I've had since school started. Last night I had an AWFUL dream that my mom died in a car crash. I woke up in tears, and it all felt so real that I didn't even feel like I'd slept. Now some of you may think, "hey... it's just a dream... no big deal. don't read so much into it... IT'S JUST A DREAM." The problem is, it didn't feel like a dream. Yesterday, my parents were supposed to come back to the house to pick up some clothes I had washed, and they never showed up. There are no more minutes on their phone so when I tried to call them, I got no answer. That alone was a little disconcerting... but add to that the horrific image of my mother, all I've had for so long, dying in a car accident... I was horrified. The only reason I was able to get up and go to school today was because these 2 thoughts came into my head. 1)"whatever happens, God is on my side, and He will get me through anything... even something this devastating"... and 2)"I must really be upsetting Satan for him to be taking such a personal interest in trying to derail me from my walk with God." Now as morbid or crazy that statement sounds (depending on your beliefs), it really helped me because Satan doesn't invest time in people (trying to lead them astray) who are not being moved by the Lord, making a difference for the Lord, becoming closer to Him. Satan tends to focus on those who God is using... the people who are trying to glorify God in all they do. Naturally the idea that Satan keeps messing with me (even though that's terrifying) was a comforting feeling. It told me that I was doing the right thing... that I was following the path God has paved for me. ANYWAY... I went through the day pretending that nothing was wrong. I didn't even tell my 2 best friends about my dream. It was sooo hard to not see them this morning, break down and cry to them, but (being imperfect and self-conscious) I felt I simply COULDN'T let people see that something was wrong with me. and i KNEW that if I told either one of them, or both of them, I would break... my emotions would come out in a flood of destruction and that simply was not an option... I couldn't let it happen. So all day.. and boy was it a long one... I pretended.... I laughed, I joked, I sang, and I clung desperately to the knowledge that God was right there with me... I wasn't alone... and God would get me through. After school.. I told one of my amazing friends, and exactly what I had avoided all day happened. The flood of emotions, fears and tears... but with her it didn't matter... with her it was perfectly fine. We prayed together and for the rest of the afternoon I was ok. I could feel the Lord with me... and I could feel Him wrap His arms around me when I thought I'd break. but then... waiting for worship to start... these girls came up to my brother and were messing with him... sitting in his lap and demanding that he tell them he loved them... and when they walked away I could hear them laughing and telling their friends what they'd done. I was FURIOUS! It took all I had, AND the power of God to hold me back. I wanted to yell and scream and slap them until they were in so much pain that they would NEVER mess with my brother again. It was so difficult sitting there and not doing anything. I know I should have confronted them, called them on their actions, but I knew that (after the day I'd had and the emotions I'd concealed all day) I would explode! I knew that if I went to them... I would unload all of my pain on them, and I knew it would get physical... because I was just that furious/emotional. So I sat there, held my tongue, and tried to cool off. Once worship started I was pretty much ok. Chris Crump lead us and I was so thrilled because he is such an inspiration to me. It was like he had personally consulted God about the song choices tonight too.. because they all made me feel so much better. then he sang "How He loves us" (I don't know if that's the real title but oh well =/) With that song I broke. I was so drained, so weary, and that reminder... He is jealous for me... He loves me... it just lifted me up, and made me feel (for the moment) like nothing was wrong. but more than the song itself... what Chris said connected with me... he said that this was more than a song... it was a prayer to God (and I knew that.. but for some reason the reminder really helped). He said that we needed to sing it to Him at the top of our lungs... give Him everything we had! He said, "I'm not really an eloquent speaker, and it's just so much easier for me to sing everything to God." that connected with me because that's how I feel. I'm not all that wonderful at talking.. to anyone really. And for reasons I don't understand... the best way for me to express my needs, my thanks, my EVERYTHING to God is through song. (my worship blog discusses all that again) I don't know why but, the knowledge that I wasn't the only one who felt like music was the best way of communicating with My Savior made me feel like I could relate... like it was this special bond that not everyone had. That knowledge really lifted me up (probably because after the rest of the day... knowing I wasn't a freak, knowing I wasn't alone, knowing that someone out there was like me... it just made me feel so.... I don't know... LOVED!! anyway... I know that last bit doesn't make much sense... but that's ok... it doesn't have to make sense to you.... and ok so it wasn't a short little thing... Apparently I really had a LOT to say... but now... I'm off to bed because I'm too drained to keep going... it's time to sleep (hopefully) peacefully, and start anew tomorrow. so goodnight... and please remember that God is there for you... even when you feel like you're alone... He's there. and if you don't understand that, don't know who He is... or just want to know more... Please... let me know. I'd be absolutely honored to share the love of my Savior with you.

The Life of a Simple Girl (Are you ready?)

Ok so this was an assignment in one of my classes.. but I really enjoyed writing it so... I'm gonna post it here as well =D

The Life of a Simple Girl
Are you ready?

Alright, so here we go! My name is Jessica Renae Neumann My first name means “God’s Grace” and my middle name means “Reborn.” I was born in Denver, Colorado on March 1, 1991. I wasn’t there very long. My mom brought me back to Pasadena after only a couple of months. I will not disclose the reasons for her move at this time (in other words for you kids out there, it’s secret/painful and I don’t want to talk about it) I’ve gone to First Baptist Christian Academy for my entire life. That’s right… I am a lifer… dun dun dun. I drifted from the church when I was young. I was ridiculed by the kids in my Sunday school and (at that time) I thought “if this is what loving God is all about, torturing others, or just ignoring them, then I don’t want to be a part of it.” In 8th grade, I started going to a different church, and I met new people, made new friends, and was happy. That place changed my life. Before that I was a wreck, depressed, alone, abandoned. This church felt like my home… I wasn’t ashamed to be there, I didn’t feel alone. It was what I needed, a stepping stone on the path of my life.
In the summer of 2008, while helping my friend prepare for a garage sale, I fell down her stairs and broke my fibula and my ankle. When I got to the emergency room, they told me I would not need surgery, but they could not cast it there… I would have to go to a specialist for that. GREAT! It took 8 days to get an appointment to get a cast. When I did get to Texas Children’s Hospital, they took more x-rays, and the next thing I know there are 5 doctors in the room with me… apparently my injury was more serious than the emergency room expected. The next thing I knew I was being prepped for surgery. It was really all a daze. When I woke up, I was in intense pain, I had a steel plate in my leg, piecing my fibula together, and 2 screws holding my ankle in place. This was going to be an absolutely wonderful experience!!! 3 months without walking, completely isolated in my house, with only movies and my babies (my 4 cats) to keep me company. When I started school it was the same song but a different verse. Through the first month I still felt alone, even though I had 2 of the best friends I’ve ever had with me. In September, I signed up to go to Youth Explosion, even though I was still in a wheelchair. The first night I saw a band that I haven’t been able to forget. Leeland truly stole my heart (haha You’ve stolen my heart!... it’s a song for you non-leeland-lovers). I also saw Jimmy Needham, who fittingly sang Hurricane. He is also someone I can’t get outta my head. Little did any of us know that Hurricane Ike would ruin the rest of this “revival” of sorts. The next day, Ike hit us. The power was out for a little over a week… in the midst of this… I returned to the hospital to have my 2 screws removed from my ankle. It was one crazy time in my life. Later, I went to Breaking Free (in February) and had an amazing experience. The Lord changed me, opened my heart, closed all the painful doors to my past, and made me whole.
My life changed during spring break when I went with my family to Nashville, Tn. Since I was little I had a plan. I was going to go to Texas A&M and I was going to be a veterinarian. Nashville changed all that. I fell in love with that city, and I didn’t want to come back. This place no longer felt like home. Tennessee would be my home. When I returned, I immediately began planning my new future. I WILL go to Belmont University, I will be a music business major, and I will be a music producer. (this is all as long as the Lord wants me to do it, but I honestly feel that’s where I belong) I went through this past summer with nothing but worries, plans, fears, plaguing my mind. How would I do this? How could I move to a whole new state, by myself, start over with nothing and no one with me. The thing that kept me going was that I KNEW that I would have God with me. I’ve now started my senior year, and I’m not gonna lie, I’m terrified of what spring will bring, but I know that I will make it. I’ve got good friends, supporting family, and most important, I’ve got my God, my Creator, my Salvation, my Sustainer, my Ever-Present Help. He’s all I need in this world and with Him I will never be alone.
I love to sing (hence the music major thing). I love to create things: blankets, jewelry, anything I can make with my hands and say “HEY! I made that” I have at least 4 half-brothers. I only live with one. 2 of them think I’m their cousin and I’ve never met the 4th. I probably have more of them out there, but I don’t know who they are. I am the only girl in my family. WEIRD! I love my mom, she’s been all I’ve had for so long that I don’t know how I’d function without her. She’s taught me so much and I’ll never be able to repay her for all she’s given me.

First Day

Well I wrote this last week, after my first day, and for some reason it just didn't post. So here it is... my feelings after the first day of my senior year. So.. today was the first day of senior year. It was pretty interesting. Re-aquainting with old teachers, meeting new ones, jumping back into the same old routine. For weeks, this day has been a D-day of sorts... a time bomb just waiting to go off and throw me into a chaotic existence. However, so far, it hasn't been chaotic. New. Different. Somewhat exciting... but not chaotic. I can actually say that, after much prayer, I walked into school today with an open mind, ready to take on whatever might be waiting for me beyond those familiar doors. Because of that, I am actually very excited about this year. I have high hopes for my classes, and high hopes for myself this year. AP English looks to be fun, but today was only introductions... so I wouldn't quote FUN yet. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna breeze through computer (the fact that my teacher is a good friend helps keep me from panicking.) I'm hoping Bible class will be a very unique experience this year. I was expecting as much from these classes. There is one class however that kinda blew me away... in a good way. Speech. The teacher is very enthusiastic and she seems to have some really great (and increasingly different) ideas for our class. It's miraculous how much you can learn about a person from just one meeting. I find myself incredibly excited about this class, and that's a very big deal considering the idea of speaking in front of people is the most terrifying thing I can think of. The rest of my classes are pretty much standard... Pre-Cal is intimidating, Government is well... government... and choir....... well I'm not sure what to think about that one yet... we didn't go very far into things today so who knows what to expect. Well that was pretty much all I had to say. Nothing very life-changing... just some hopes for the first day. Wow... first day of my senior year! I can't believe it's already here. Well anyways, since that's pretty much all this was about... I bid you ado. =D

Injuries and Revelations

For the past 4 years, something has always happened to me. I can no longer keep track of when everything happened in my medical history. However, for the past 2 years, when something has happened, it's caused me to stop. The week I broke my leg, I hadn't stopped moving for days. I had barely stopped long enough to eat. Everything else was more important. Several months later, I got a GIANT splinter (about 3 inches long and 1 and 1/2 cm in diameter) lodged in my foot. Ordinarily a splinter wouldn't be that big of a deal, but this had to be cut out (a process which took an hour and a lot of numbing medication). This splinter occurred during a time when i was physically not doing too much, but mentally, my mind was racing. Every waking moment of my life was consumed with worry, fear, and anxiety. The power had been cut off at my house for a week, and I knew the next thing to go was the house itself. I was staying with my aunt for the time-being and I felt like I was nothing but a huge imposition. My mind raced on and on, far ahead of me, and I was in a panic. The splinter made me stop. I had to backtrack, come back to reality instead of being days, or weeks ahead trying to figure out what was going to happen. Once I stopped, I could feel the Lord begin to calm my spirits, relieve all of my worries. It was the most incredible feeling. When I got back to my aunt's house after having the splinter cut from my foot, I was alone. Everything was quiet and I could feel God moving in me. I took time out and talked to him, prayed for guidance (something I hadn't taken the time to do since the worries started) and was relieved of so much worry. Now, 3 days before the start of my senior year, I find myself back in the same emergency room, my foot soaking in an iodine solution, waiting for the doctor to return and stitch up the deep gash in my ankle. How it happened is still unclear. At my great aunt's house, there is a glass door that no longer stand open on it's own. Every time you come in, you have to get your feet in before the door slams into your heels. Everyone (and I do mean EVERYONE) has been hit by this door before, including myself, and nothing has happened. How the metal frame of this door caught my heel and sliced open my ankle I still can't figure out. All I knew was I immediately fell to my knees, at which point the door returned to cut me once more. I hobbled my way to the back of the house, unaware that I had even been cut, until my flip-flop was so full of blood that it was like a slip-n-slide. Once the bleeding stopped, I cleaned it and my great aunt looked at it the best she could. Then she went to run her errands and pick up some bandages. By this time my mom was on her way over (she had called while I was slipping into my aunt's room and I had told her what happened). When she arrived, saw what my aunt hadn't. There were 2 cuts, and one was very deep. We went to and emergency care center, one that I have frequented in the past 2 years. I was triaged and sent to a room to wait. I couldn't help laughing because, here in the same room (literally the exact same room) I've been put in every time I've come here, it could only happen to me. Only I could have a fight with a glass door and lose, only I could wind up in the same exam room every time I've been to this care center. Only I could have this crazy medical history and still have the most unusual things keep happening. Once I got out of there with my 4 stitches and my numb ankle I went home. I found myself realizing that my worries about senior year, about my future had subsided. For the past week, as I've counted down to what felt like D-day, freaking out about all the things that have to be done, fundraising for senior trip, figuring out where the senior class has decided on going for senior trip, applying to colleges (and finding the money for the application fees), taking the ACT and the SAT, getting a job, finding scholarships, finding a good, reliable car for a relatively small amount of money. The list goes on and on. From financial worries, academic worries, even to friendship and family worries, all of these thoughts and fears have plagued my existence. But now, with the addition of stitches and pain, my mind had stopped once again. This time I found myself laughing because, once again, it took something painful to slow me down and clear out the chaotic noise in my life. But I was disappointed in myself. One week ago I was at x-week, learning how to spiritually refuel. I had felt so moved by the whole experience, and for a few days I found myself stopping, talking to God more. Then came the flood. The incredible tirade. I realized during x-week that Satan was trying to strike me down, planting thoughts and feelings into me that weren't mine. A very dear friend helped me come to that realization and I took steps to send him away. Now, in the quiet of the last night, I realized (finally) that these worries, these fears, had been another attack. An attack that, unlike the previous, had gone undetected. I had allowed him to make me vulnerable and week, I had allowed him to fill the past few days with so much noise that I could no longer feel the peace, the presence of the Lord surrounding me. I was terrified. Thinking it over again, I realized that I was grateful for this injury, for no other reason than it caused me to come back to reality. It caused me to clear out all of the chaos and focus on what was real. I don't know if that was it's purpose or if it was just some freak accident. I don't think the Lord did this to me, but I think He allowed this to happen so I could finally fully grasp and understand that I am vulnerable. Not physically (though apparently I'm pretty vulnerable in the respect too) but spiritually. Now I need to come closer to my Savior, and find the strength to drown out the noise.

Seeking the Lord in Worship

Everyone is different. Everyone has a different way of seeking the Lord. For some, that could sitting in an empty room, delved deep into the heart of the Word of God, for others, it could be losing yourself in prayer. I have recently discovered that I find the Lord through music. I could be at church, in the car, in my room with my music turned up, or (and this I find most true) simply in the shower.. belting out my passions, my fears, my prayers and praises, my sheer Love for Him in song. (I'm not sure why, but, in the shower everything else disappears. I think it's just as simple as the symbol of it. Completely exposed, I can give all of my "dirt and grime" to God. He washes me and cleanses my soul. but anyway... let's get back on track) Another place I find comfort is online, watching videos, worshipping and praising Him with some of my favorite artists. I have many videos that inspire me, but the one I'm showing you is by far the most moving. Leeland truly inspires me, and he gets me straight back to the heart of worship when I feel that all hope is lost and I'll never make it back. This is strictly a worship video... one on one time... just you and God... and someone who has allowed God to move through him and open his heart. I hope you enjoy the video, but more than that I hope you can get back to the heart... get back to the Lord, let him cleanse you and fill you up!

"You fill me up You fill me up
You are my salvation
You fill me up

You fill me up
You fill me up
You are my salvation
You fill me up
yeah!

You are my salvation Lord
You are my salvation Lord

You are my hope Lord
You are my hope
you are my Sustainer
all glory be to You oh God
all glory be to You oh God
all glory
all the honor
all the honor and praise
ohhh Lord
You fill me up
You fill me up
You are my salvation
You fill me up

You fill me up
You fill me up
You are my Sustainer
You fill me up
ohhh

You are my Sustainer
You are my salvation

all I need
all I need is you God
all I need
all I need yeah

You are all I need
You are all I need Lord
You are all I need Lord
You are all I need Lord
You are all I need Lord
You are all I need Lord
You are all I need

all I need
all I need
You are all I need"



thank you Leeland for posting this video, if only you knew what it's done for me.

May God bless you in all that you do!